Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
