someone get that fucking seahorse.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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