well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize