Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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