Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
