every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
