I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
