Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
