she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
