i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she woke up with a sticky ear
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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