I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
