I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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