she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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