Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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