Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
