I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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