I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
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he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
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Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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