I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
