I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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