Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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