We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
