Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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