My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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