My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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