I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
