i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
