I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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