Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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