I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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