# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
just tell him i said nine months
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
