I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think my vagina is haunted
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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