you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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