You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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