Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
