All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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