I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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