She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
