dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
