I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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