my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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