I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
