you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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