Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We had to coat check the pizza.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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