Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
COCAINE IS GR8
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
