the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
