im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
