I wanna passion pit in your ass
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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