just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
