I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Randomize
