1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
