You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
