I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You left your underwear on the fireplace
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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