I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
