When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
