then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
