my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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