I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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