If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
