420 ftw
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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